Biohack This!
When taping your mouth shut doesn't stop the brain worms from getting in
I originally planned for this poem to be part of a post for Poetry Sunday, however it took on a life of its own. Today, I present to you a short poem and a long, angry rant. Come at me, podcast bros!
More veggies
less ultra processed foods
Good gut biome—
gotta feed them flora
Low salt, low carb,
low sugar, low fat
Don't drink
Don't smoke
Don't use drugs
Exercise regularly
Make sure to stretch
Don't overdo it
Don't underdo it either
Tape your mouth while you sleep
Inject fillers, botox, and fat into your ass
Pass the snake oil, please
Teen dreams of retinol creams
Pre-workout, protein powder, creatine,
anabolics, GLP-1s, peptides
TRT?
Meanwhile, my fat ass is eating a bagel
Think I'll hit the popcorn next
It seems these days, more than ever, everyone is obsessed with how they look. I’m all for being healthy (not that I even remotely am, but I am supportive of it). However, the focus on “health” seems to be very unhealthy.
Let’s be real. The only thing you really need to do—and again I do not do this myself—is eat less garbage and move more. Anything more than that is just gratuitous. If you want to have a weirdly specific diet and go to the gym daily, that’s fine if it works for you! Watch where you walk, though, or you might cascade down the proverbial slippery slope right down into podcast junction. At least there is a cold plunge waiting for you.
There are so many longevity scammers out there that prey on people’s insecurities. “Biohackers” who give us such masterful advice as taping your mouth shut while you sleep. Where the fuck did you come up with that nonsense advice, Andrew Huberman? Also, why do I even have to know your dumbass name? Eat shit, scammer.
Another longevity “expert” who CBS News recently hired was just outed in the Epstein files. It must have been the adrenochrome after all. I witnessed the public mourning of his inclusion from a bunch of Reddit weirdos. Another pointless cult with another evil leader.
Then there are the people who just refuse to look their age. The people who would trade a slightly wrinkled face for that of a porcelain doll. Who inject themselves with more needles than a diabetic with a peanut allergy after eating an Uncrustable. Why do some desire lips that are so overstuffed that they resemble a ripe blood blister on the verge of popping?
To all the 50+ men who need their Testosterone Replacement Therapy: no one wants your wrinkly balls anywhere near them. (Oh no, did I just invent testicular botox?) Shouldn’t one of the great joys of aging be not having to think about sex as much? Why do you want to regress to your teenage years? And the steroids, too? Enjoy your back acne, rage blackouts, and shrunken testicles, I guess.
I hope this is just some overblown tide pods challenge nonsense, but I hear there are the 14 year olds who are using retinol cream. I mean, just fuck off with that. Aside from the fact that no one needs retinol cream, the last person that needs it is a child. Society is in full-on decay if this is true.
It’s not just the old and the young, though. You aren’t getting away with it that easily 20 and 30 somethings! You are in the prime of your life and are using Botox, lip fillers, and getting Brazilian Butt Lifts? What in the hell is the matter with you?
Recently, my wife and I have been watching a season of Love Island. I know, that’s a me problem. I understand that these “people” are not wholly representative of 20-30 year olds, but to some degree they are. Not one of them looks like a real person. They have had so much work done and have so much makeup caked onto their face it is a wonder their skin can breathe at all. I’m convinced the only thing that saves them is that they so regularly cry it off.
Finally, to the real fucker I hate. RFK Jr. How is this the Kennedy that lived? What evil witch did this family piss off to deserve this unenviable fate? “Make America Healthy Again,” he says, while also bragging about wanting to eat a roadkill bear. I’m supposed to listen to a man who has had, and admits to having had, brain worms about MY health? Okay, yeah, food dyes are probably bad for you and ultra-processed crap is killing us. Wow, congratulations RFK, you figured out what a monkey could have. The Flaming Hot Cheetos weren’t on the up and up this whole time? No shit.
Clearly this soothsayer only speaks the truth, right? Nope, because out of the other side of his leathery mouth is bullshit about how “vaccines are evil.” What gives this environmental lawyer any authority on this subject? Is it the brain worms? Did they go to Johns Hopkins? He wants people to be healthy, so the logical conclusion is they should get the measles and polio. All of this vaccine hesitancy crap is based on a debunked, corrupt study from 30 years ago and people buy it. “No vaccines for my children, they might get the autism.” Even if there were a link between the two, which there is 0 proof that there is, you’re saying that you would rather your child possibly die of hepatitis than be way too into anime?
To wrap up this portion, RFK Jr is a clown. The only reason he has any real say in anyone’s health is because his boss is an even bigger clown. The degradation in people’s belief in doctors, and instead their reliance on health influencers, is going to kill a large number of people and make the world a worse place.
A parting pro tip to everyone: If you are getting your information on health and science from someone on TikTok, you need to stop and think about what you are doing. If a stranger in a Walmart parking lot came up to you and told you not to trust the medical establishment would you listen to them? I’m assuming not. So why does that same person holding a phone vertically in front of their face give them power over you? My guess is it’s the ring light.
For another rant, consider this:
For another poem, consider this:
i love how honest and blunt this is. it is so true, and it needs to be said, you did it perfectly. i wish more people could read this!!