Clerks: The Capstone To My Life
Wait, am I even supposed to be here today?
The other day I set out to make a top ten list of my favorite movies. As it turned out, that was an impossible task. I ended up coming up with about fifty movies which were so different in terms of theme, genre, and personal meaning that I couldn’t rank them to save my life.
So why am I posting this if I can’t come up with the aforementioned list? Fear not, void. I may not have been able to come up with my top ten movies, but I am 100% certain about my absolute favorite.
1. Clerks (1994)
How do I write about Clerks so that you fully understand how meaningful it is to me? Well, to start, it is my most watched film of all time. Not that I have weirdly counted each viewing with a tally mark, I just know it to be true. If I were to guess, I would say I have watched it at least fifty times over the past twenty years.
My first viewing would have been somewhere around age 14-15. Comedy Central used to air uncut movies at 1 o’clock in the morning on weekends. The three I remember them playing the most was South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, The Sweetest Thing, and, of course, Clerks.
Many of the times I watched were from obsessively showing it to friends, crushes, and loved ones. It was very important to me that you watched and enjoyed this movie. Otherwise, how would you get me?
“How many times have you watched Clerks with someone?!”
“Something like…36”
“What’s something like 36? Does that include me?!”
“Uh…37.”
Most watches, though, were just for the sheer comfort of watching something I so deeply resonated with.
I used to watch Clerks a lot, I still do, but I used to, too.
Watching Clerks was, and still is, like a religious experience to me.
Even after all these years, all these watches, I remain enamored.
Since my first exposure, I have grown and matured a lot (thank goodness). Even still, I have carried my love for Dante Hicks and Randal Graves (who are employees of the Quick Stop Convenience and RST Video, respectively) close to me.
Clerks isn’t just a nostalgia film—I have plenty of those. This movie grew with me. At first, I was attracted to the silliness and humor of Jay and Silent Bob. Drawn in by some of the gross-out and sex humor, I was 15 after all. Dante and Randal spoke of things that I didn’t quite grasp yet.
As I continued my journey through the world, I was unfortunately introduced to the nightmare that was frustrating, unfulfilling, and meaningless jobs (I’m looking at you, Publix Supermarkets). What’s more, I’d had a few romantic relationships under my belt by that point. I had also learned what it was like to have friendships as a young adult (a much different experience than the ones from childhood).
With all that, my background knowledge was sufficient to have a deeper understanding of this quintessential slacker comedy.
I had studied life for years—Clerks was my capstone.
In my twenties, my watches were starting to become a lot more profound. It was as if I was having a religious experience. My soul was healing and growing. I felt seen. There were conversations in the script I now felt about in a completely different way. The attitude I’d developed over the past few years was right there, playing out on the dusty computer monitor in the living room of my friend’s house where I stagnated for so many years.
This movie that I had seen many times was suddenly new. And it wasn’t just new once; it was new many times over as I increasingly related to it. Finally, it dawned on me.
I was Dante Hicks.
For those who have not seen this magnificent movie, I highly encourage you to watch it. For now, I will try to explain the premise of this masterpiece and the character of Dante. Clerks, which came out in 1994 when I was only 3 years old, is a Gen X slacker comedy written and directed by Kevin Smith. It was produced on a shoestring budget of about $27,000. The entire movie is set in and around a convenience store and video store in New Jersey. In the film, this is where Dante and Randal work (Jay and Silent Bob also work there, though in a much more unofficial capacity).
The movie begins with Dante being woken up by a phone call asking him to come into work on his day off. He agrees to do so only if his boss promises to be there to relieve him by the time of his hockey game. Spoiler alert, he is never relieved. Instead, he must endure a day that somehow is equal parts mundane, frustrating, and life-altering.
His cry of “I’m not even supposed to be here today,” is repeated numerous times. It was as if these were the words that formed my very essence. I had so many days where this was my exact sentiment.
Throughout the day, Dante deals with one bizarre happening after another.
· A fake customer who is astroturfing for a gum company
· A fine from the State of New Jersey for selling cigarettes to a young child (that was actually the doing of Randal)
· Guidance counselors, milk maids, and friends stealing Gatorade
· A rooftop hockey game and a wake of a former acquaintance
· A disturbing sexual revelation from his girlfriend
· The rekindling of a relationship with the ex he has been pining over for years.
· The eventual loss of both romantic relationships
· So much more
So, why was he me? For one, like me, Dante took his pointless job, and his role within it, way too seriously. As Randal so eloquently put it towards the film’s end:
“You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn’t here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what’s basically a monkey’s job. You push fucking buttons. Anyone can waltz in here and do our jobs. You’re so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add.”
To this day I feel personally called out by those words. I am both aware of this part of me and find it incredibly difficult to change it.
Second, In my twenties, I also had a penchant for fixating on past relationships and not appreciating the ones I was in. Rose-colored glasses were a strong drug keeping me from ever being happy in the moment. Of course the previous girl wasn’t better, you idiot, that’s why it didn’t work.
It made sense to me that Dante would be complacent about his relationship with a girl who wanted him to better himself and even brought him lasagna to work when he was miserable. That’s what I would do. He couldn’t appreciate the good she offered, rather he chose to focus on the number of men she had been with prior to him. Instead of being satisfied with the good he had, he longed to be with his high school sweetheart. The one who had cheated on him eight and a half times (you should watch for the full context of that 1/2 time).
Finally, and perhaps most important, Dante was also held back by his fear of change. This can be best summed up by the following:
“My mother told me once, when I was 3 years old, my potty lid was closed. Instead of me lifting it, I shit my pants. The point is, I’m not the type of person who will disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.”
I can’t say I have ever shit my pants because I didn’t want to move a lid. However, the amount of suffering I have caused myself by not acting sooner, or by not acting at all, is remarkable.
That was my twenties, though. I am no longer that person. Whether or not I am now like Dante in Clerks 2, when he is in his thirties, is up for debate.
Now, in my thirties, I may not be as much like Dante as I once was but the vestiges still remain. And as a bonus, I now understand Randal a lot more. Randal is a man who loves his friend and himself. Who detests rules for rules sake and will not be defined by his job. He is content with his life by the very fact that he doesn’t take it too seriously. He just wants to rent a good movie at a good video store.
I am not quite Randal, and I am no longer quite Dante. But, this movie is me, or as big of a part of me as a piece of media can be. I will be showing this movie to my child one day, and to my second wife after my first wife leaves me for watching Clerks too many times. I will be watching it when I get dumped in a cheap, shady nursing home (if I make it that far). And, if I am lucky, I will be watching it when I am on my death bed. My final words being, “I’m not even supposed to be here today.”
Thank you to everyone who stuck around for this long one. I appreciate you reading and getting to know me just a bit better. I also want to thank Kevin Smith (who is certainly not going to read this) for making not just this seminal movie, but also Mallrats and Chasing Amy. Those two movies plus Clerks are my own personal holy trinity.
What’s that? This post seemed a bit obsessive? Well, may I further introduce you to my addictive personality?
It's so funny how the stories we love become part of our inner architecture. We don’t just watch or read them—we grow alongside the characters, and sometimes into them.
Loved this, thank you so much for sharing!
I loved reading this! These types of movies were right up my alley growing up, this being a big hit through my friend group. While I haven’t watched it nearly as many times, I can definitely resonate with it! This is giving me some inspiration, maybe I’ll write my own tale of ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ 😅