Help! I'm Trapped In The Whimsy Vortex!
Why I might actually be a gen Z Substack girlie
I'm not new to social media by any means. My first experience was way back in 2004, navigating and running Livejournal and Xanga blogs (it literally just occurred to me that Boy Meets Void is just my Xanga reanimated). After that was obviously MySpace (where it all peaked), followed by Facebook. There was a brief foray into Instagram, but I wasn't much of a picture person so that was pretty meaningless. Then, for a while, it went dark.
Aside from on and off Reddit usage, I have basically had no social media accounts, or presence, since 2013. I essentially skipped algorithms. Facebook was just starting with them when I quit. I remember that was a big reason why I deleted my account. "What do you mean I can't sort my feed by newest post anymore,” I cried out to my first smart phone (a Droid 2).
Why anyone still uses that trash website is beyond me. The fact that their absolute dog shit “Marketplace” killed the beautiful List of Craig will never not infuriate me. I've used my wife's account to try to sell stuff on Facebook Marketplace. It's just a giant gathering of the dumbest, flakiest asshats in my area. Underneath the marketplace banner it should list the official slogan of that Godless hellscape, "Is this still available?"
Oh, and what kind of brain dead name is “Meta?” Some absolute doofus tech bro loser (probably Zuck himself) likely got paid more money to come up with that unimaginative, corporate minimalist slop name than most of us will make in a lifetime.
And remember when the “Metaverse” was the only thing anyone in tech talked about? No one even knew what it was, but it was coming for us! It would be inescapable! Spoiler alert: it was not coming, and will never come. Jesus Christ, the discourse around the Metaverse makes the current AI landscape almost seem welcome.
And fuck their glasses. If you get those glasses, I hate you. Just what we need in this world, people who are hands free distracted! And more videography without consent! I’m sure the “genius pranksters” over at TikTok love them, though.
I am not even going to get into TikTok.
Where was I? Oh, right, social media algorithms.
Substack is my first real exposure to a social media algorithm. Hilariously, one of the few things the algorithm here really wants me to see is a myriad of posts about how fucked up the algorithm seems to be right now. With my limited experience I will just have to take others’ word for it, though I will say that the evidence is strong in favor of that point.
At first, I only got seven month old posts. It feels really weird to engage with stuff from the summer in late December. But, engage I did. Then, for no damn reason, I started getting really weird racist and antisemitic content. Fortunately, I was able to fix that quickly by muting and blocking 100 or so accounts.
Eventually, I tried to get a good algorithm tuning going by using the search function for posts about different music artists that I like. I started with Billy Joel. Surely that would connect me with like-minded individuals on here—and hopefully around my age. Well, that was not exactly what went down.
Unbeknownst to me, Billy Joel, the near-octogenarian Long Islander who sings songs about such topics as going off to war, hustling in a piano bar, the fictionalized death of a 1970s New York City under Mayor Ed Koch, and a boat named “Alexa”, had gained quite the following with girls in their twenties.
It started with a few simple likes.
“Oh, look the lyrics to ‘Vienna,’ I love that song,” I thought.
“Oh, cool more people like ‘Vienna,’ I’ll give some more likes.”
“Wow, ‘Vienna’ again. Follow!”
From there I just continued to do what felt natural. I started following people who were being nice to other people, and these people were very nice.
At this point, in the eyes of the algorithm, I had been weighed and measured and been found to be a gen Z girl.
Substack started showing me only the notes of my gen Z girl peers. The only problem being, of course, I am not a gen Z girl. I am a man in his mid-thirties. But hey, at least the posts I was seeing were recent.
Before we continue, a little background. I came onto this platform not wanting to see politics in my feed. I see enough politics, and while it is interesting to me, I just wasn’t interested in engaging with that on here. My second most likely niche to follow would have been pro wrestling content. I didn't want this to turn into a wrestling blog, and if I got too deep into that content on Substack I wouldn't ever make it out.
All of this is to say, I'm a man here on my own. A man without a niche for the algorithm to lump me into.
That’s what I thought, anyways.
The feedback loop that came from liking notes from people who were being nice to each other took me into a very strange corner of the Internet. One that I was wildly unfamiliar with. One which I have dubbed the “Whimsy Vortex.”
If this is your first reading of my work it’s important for you to know that if ever there was a time in my life for whimsy it was long ago.
I was born with the personality of an 80-year-old man (see above rant about Facebook) and have aged into a 45-year-old man at best. Yes, that’s right, my personality identifies as Benjamin Button. So imagine my surprise when I had been launched ass backwards into twee cyberspace.
A land of cat pics, soft musings, and faerie meadows (I spelled “faerie” the more whimsical way. You’re welcome). Also, Muppets? The Muppets thing needs to be explained to me, I think.
This social circle of whimsical women had just picked up a new hanger on.
None of this is meant as a criticism or casting hate to any of these people who I have connected with on here.
Quite the opposite, actually. I have found a place on the internet where people don’t seem to suck. People support each other here instead of arguing about unimportant bullshit. No one is trolling in the comments of people’s posts. Everyone is just happy to have people’s work to read and for people to read their own work.
That being said, I have no damn idea how to interact on here at times. I enjoy the warmth, but I don’t want to be the weird old millennial man in a sea of young whimsical ladies.
I’m guessing we have some music tastes in common. I’ve seen Phoebe Bridgers and Lucy Dacus in concert. I have been listening to Clairo since like 2018. Folklore is probably my favorite album of this decade. Billy Joel is hip now.
On the other hand, I don’t know the same internet trends. Whimsy was not on my radar until a few weeks ago. Though I am guessing it is this year’s “demure.” I only just learned about that one as it is. I haven’t watched Heated Rivalry. I don’t know who Cameron Winter is. I don’t understand why some people aren’t capitalizing any letters in their writing.
If I can’t keep up with all that, will I fall by the wayside? Can this shark stop swimming and still thrive? Or will I be eaten alive because I don’t know what 2026 is the year of?
I know I seem hip, but no cap I may low key be cooked. (I hope I did that right.)
For now I won’t worry about that. I will just hang out here in my quirky corner with my fellow girlies. I assume we all pray to Zooey Deschanel?
Please check out my post about my favorite movie and what it means to me. I may be biased, but I think it’s an enjoyable read.
i'm obsessed with everything you did here, from the mid-thought rant to the whimsy to the pic of jess. i'm glad you're here in the gen-z girlie vortex, i'm not biased or anything, but it's a good place to be
i'm still reading but had to pause bc i never hear people talk about The Downeaster 'Alexa', which is what I'm named after... the song or the boat I never know, my parents always switch it up. but it felt like a shoutout lol